Have a happy and prosperous New Year!

New Year’s Resolutions

1. What is a New Year's resolution? Something that goes in one year and out the other.

2. What do snowmen like to do on New Year’s Eve? Chill out.

3. What do New Year's Day parades have in common with Santa Claus? No one is awake to see either of them.

4. Why do you need a jeweler on New Year’s Eve? To ring in the New Year.

5. My New Year's resolution is to stop hanging out with people who ask me about my New Year's resolution.

6. What did the little champagne bottle call his father? Pop!

7. What’s a cow's favorite holiday? Moo Year’s Eve.

8. Where can you find comedians on New Year's Eve? Waiting for the punch line.

9. What do farmers give their wives at midnight on New Year's Eve? Hogs and kisses.

10. An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.

11. What did the ghost say on Jan. 1? Happy Boo Year!

12. I see no need to make more New Year's resolutions when the ones already on the books aren't being enforced.

13. What do you call always wanting a date for New Year's Eve? Social security.

14. What's a digital camera's New Year's resolution? 1080p.

15. This New Year's, I’m going to make a resolution I can keep: no dieting all year long.

16. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Abby. Abby who? Abby New Year.

17. Where can you go to practice math on New Year’s Eve? Times Square.

18. Why should you put your new calendar in the freezer? To start the New Year in a cool way.

19. What do you tell someone you didn't see on New Year's Eve? I haven't seen you for a year.

20. This New Year's, I've resolved to lead a better life. Now all I have to do is find someone who will trade lives with me.

21. What happened to the man who shoplifted a calendar on New Year's Eve? He got 12 months!

22. What is corn's favorite holiday? New Ears Day!

23. What’s the one group that hates New Year’s Day? The New Year’s Eve cleanup crew.

24. I was going to quit all my bad habits for the New Year, but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.

25. What did Adam say to Eve on Dec. 31? It's New Year's, Eve.

26. Why was the telephone late for work on Jan. 1? It was busy ringing in the New Year!

27. What did George Washington do in the days leading up to New Year's? He made a New Year's revolution.

28. What compliment did the drink glass give to the champagne on New Year's Eve? "You're so bubbly!"

29. Not to brag, but I already have a date for New Year’s Eve—Dec. 31.

30. My New Year’s resolution is to get better at pretending to know the words to "Auld Lang Syne."

31. My resolution was to read more, so I turned on the subtitles on my TV.

32. I don't know why people flock to Times Square on New Year's Eve. They always drop the ball.

33. Why is New Year's a slice of bread's least favorite holiday? It has to make a toast.

34. Why did the man stand on one leg at midnight on New Year's? He wanted to start the year on the right foot.

35. What do kangaroos say to each other at midnight on Jan. 1? "Hoppy New Year!"

36. What was the opening line of the spice rack's New Year's toast? "Cheers to the good thymes!"